I WOULD HAVE DONE TONS OF COCAINE WITH YOU, AND KEPT YOU ALIVE FOREVER.
😿 really must i feel as though i’m letting so many people down today, all day. why can’t they just give me more notice or accomodate my needs in any way. why can’t i care less.
it’s like as if i couldn’t stop picking at a wound but the wound is my brain or my memories or my soul and i just can’t stop picking and scratching and pulling pieces out to scrutinise and analyse. always in a daze becuz i’m staring at what’s playing out on the inside of my skull.
Melanie Lynskey as Hilary Vandermueller BUT I’M A CHEERLEADER (1999) dir. Jamie Babbit
oh my god i wanna puke. my boss just texted me, he’s inviting everyone to a going away party for my coworker, probably the one i get on with the best, who is the most like *my peer* who i try so hard to be normal and sociable with. i didn’t even know she was leaving for good, i can’t do such a last minute thing, my autism assessment with the psychiatrist is the day after that and then im going away for multiple days without my family to help me and i need so much time to prepare OH MY GOD i can’t do any of these things. at least i don’t think i can do this stupid dinner but i just feel so awful about it somehow. she’s literally not even my peer she’s seventeen she won’t remember me in a year so why do i CARE. it’s also the first opportunity to bond with my coworkers I’ve gotten which i have been saying i wanted, becuz i cannot make enough small talk when i’m working like everyone else to become as friendly as i’d like to be with them all. i’m just catastrophizing this all but like. grrrrr. i wish i was normal. i want them to like and respect me so bad and i know that saying yes and going to this dinner will abet in that. but also if i did go, what if i’m insufferably awkward and awful and unlikable, strange, off-putting. stupid and annoying and too confusing or muddled or dull to bother with. why must everything happen all at once. why is it that everyone wants to go out to restaurants to socialise. it’s literally horrible.
a lot of you know me for the “my psychiatrist asks me about friendship & i tell him about distance” excerpt but its been almost a year since i wrote it & the whole piece still resonates so i thought id share (x)
Growing in the damp. White, with purple eyelets. Rosy, pale, an evil expression. Acidulous. Yellow. They last a long time. Not much earth. Not much nourishment. They reawaken in the dark, at night. Avid for company. When they wilt, they become small skulls in tuxedos. Tiny night birds. They look at me. I look at them.
Fleur Jaeggy, excerpt from “Agnes” of I Am the Brother of XX
